2016 March 15^th

It is 3 PM and the results of today’s primaries are several hours away. Trump has committed no new outrage, although I’m sure he soon will; so here is a non-political piece from “A Double Dozen and Six,” a little book of opinion/memoir pieces I did about ten years ago.

Cats and Dogs

I have been told that cats make very fine pets. My mother-in- law told me that and I would never argue with her. She also claimed that cats were extremely clean as demonstrated by the fact that they washed themselves constantly. She even permitted her cat to join us at lunch…on the table. I simply watched which part of the cat’s anatomy was being washed, and decided to hope for an early dinner.

Some people are cat fanciers. I have trouble understanding that. I don’t dislike cats, but if I am to have a pet it will be a dog. I classify pet cats in the same category as pet white rats, pet hamsters and pet rabbits…you get the idea. These animals all seem to have very limited utility. All you can do with any of them is pick them up and pet them. And if a cat prefers not to be picked up she can demonstrate that preference quite firmly.

We have a cat. You might have guessed that from my mother-in-law’s attitude. I believe that one’s attitude toward cats has some small genetic component, although my wife does not permit the cat to join us at table.

We also have a large dog. This makes the cat’s physical well-being a bit parlous. Mazie weighs six pounds; Teddy weighs one hundred-and-twenty pounds, but Mazie is much quicker and can access small spaces that are denied to Teddy. Still, it must be frightening for the poor cat. Imagine a one hundred and fifty pound man living in the same house with a 3000 pound, fifteen foot tall, predator. That’s not a very restful life, though the exercise has benefitted Mazie considerably. She is in excellent health for a twelve year old cat, although I must say she often seems a bit nervous.

I believe that cats appeal more to women than to men. Men are utilitarian; women are not. Earrings, broaches and high-heeled shoes don’t have the utility possessed by power-drills, table saws and shotguns. This is hardly universal. My mother-in-law had a thing for shotguns and my navy seal brother-in-law has several small earrings.

It is clear that cats just don’t have the usefulness found in dogs. Imagine a cat trained to retrieve ducks; or a cat that can track a fugitive by scent; maybe a guard cat patrolling with his/or her night watchman buddy.  Where are the seeing-eye cats? Are they sitting quietly in harness waiting for the light to change so as to lead their mistress across the street? The whole scenario is ridiculous.  A cat can usually be trained to use a sand box in the basement and may come when it is called provided it is hungry. Otherwise, cats are impervious to ordinary training methods. Cat fanciers claim that this is evidence of the cat’s independence; it could also be evidence of the cat’s stupidity.

In addition we must face the fact that there are not many breeds of cat, and those that are commonly found are very much alike. How many cat breeds can you name? There is the Maine coon cat, Manx cat, Siamese cat, and that’s about it unless you access a cat breeder’s web site for a list of truly exotic varieties. Most of these animals are about the same size and they are distinguished from each other largely by shape, coat color and length of fur.

How many dog breeds can you name? There are many, and they are hugely variable, ranging from the miniature breeds weighing just a few pounds, to the giant breeds weighing well over 150 pounds. Many breeds are highly specialized. There are Australian shepherds trained to herd sheep. Try training eight or ten cats to do that. Great Pyrenees are excellent sheep guards and very territorial. The English mastiff at 200 pounds is trained to jump on the back of a game poacher knocking him down and keeping him terrorized until the ghille gets there. There are retrievers that will jump into icy water and bring back ducks holding them so softly in their mouths that the ducks’ skin is hardly dented. Then there are the miniature breeds, fluffy little dogs that can be carried in a lady’s purse with just their heads peeking out. These are designed to simply look cute. I doubt that you’ve ever seen anyone carrying their cat in their purse. (I am told by someone nearby that cats are much too dignified to be carried in a handbag.)

There is also the benefit gained by a dog barking at strangers. If someone walks up on your front porch unannounced, your dog will very likely inform you of that fact. If the person has some nefarious plot in mind and hears a barking dog, the plotter will very likely take his plot elsewhere. Wouldn’t you? Of course the size of the dog is relevant. The deep-voiced bark of a large dog is best, but even a little yipper will alert the household that an intruder is about, and intruders know this perfectly well. I doubt that a cat, even one trained to “meow” at intruders with considerable force, could possibly have the same effect.

Of course cats have some advantages: They don’t have to be taken out for walks several times a day, rain, snow, or shine; they don’t leave ugly brown spots on the lawn, either yours or the neighbors, and they rarely rush after the grandchildren scaring them half to death. It is also true that they are much longer lived than dogs. Come to think of it, I am not sure which side of the ledger that goes on. Of course if a cat is desperately ill, it is no trick to get the animal into a carrying cage and then to the vet. If our one-hundred-and-twenty-pound dog cannot be persuaded to get into the car for a trip to the vet’s, we shall have a very expensive house call…if we can find an accommodating vet. Naturally a very large dog with a severe intestinal disturbance who cannot rise to his feet and leave the house in a timely fashion is…well, let’s just not go there.

All right, all right; maybe it is a tossup after all.