2016 Nov 18th
Watching football is much more meaningful if you have a
lexicon to interpret the announcer’s comments; without such help the viewer
will be irretrievably lost, so here follows some commonly used terms and their
meaning:
Negative yardage: When yards are lost the runner is said to
have gained negative yardage. This means that the running back really did run
back. Running backs are supposed to run forward. No one knows why they are
called running backs instead of running forwards.
Offensive player: Almost all football players are offensive,
particularly after losing a game…or even after they win one if you catch them
in the locker room before they shower.
Skill player: This
term is very irritating to the three-hundred-and-thirty pound linemen who are
not considered skill players. Sometimes they then become offensive players.
Pass interference: Your team is not supposed to let a player
on the other team catch a pass. The defender is supposed to interfere with the
opposing player’s early progress down the field or try to knock the ball away
at just the last minute; however, if he knocks his opponent to the ground or
trips him, that is against the rules and is not allowed. Certain kinds of pass
interference are just fine, other kinds are not; It all depends on which team
gives the biggest tips to the referees.
Roughing the quarterback: Defenders are supposed to be rough
on their opponent’s quarterback. The whole idea is to scare him so badly that
that he never wants to throw the ball, or if he does throw it he will throw it
to somebody on your team. However, a three hundred-and-thirty-pound lineman is
not allowed to grab the quarterback’s face mask, nor is he allowed to knock the
quarterback down after he has thrown the ball. If this happens a major penalty
is incurred. The lineman must be sure the referee is not looking when he
commits these offenses. If he can do this and avoid getting caught his value to
the team and his salary go up substantially.
Roughing the kicker: If your team member runs into an opponent’s
kicker after he punts the ball that is roughing the kicker and it is a major
no-no. Sometimes a player just comes close to the kicker who then falls to the
ground grabbing his knee and writhing in pain. This convinces the referee, who
has been ogling the cheerleaders, that a roughing penalty should be called. The
better punters, in addition to being former soccer players, were also
undergraduate drama majors.
Two point conversion: This is not a religious experience
although it’s close. Once a touchdown has been scored the scoring team can
elect to take the ball on the other team’s two yard line; if they can get it
over the goal in one play they get two points.
Tight end: This is a guy who can either block or run down
the field to catch a pass. If he should catch the pass he usually gets hit by
several opponents who hope that will make him drop the ball. Tight ends aren’t
usually tight although a belt or two before the game greatly helps their
outlook.
Excessive celebration: Once a touchdown has been scored it
is unseemly for the ball carrier to dance about, do the shimmy and then do more
than two backflips; if he does he can be penalized for excessive celebration.
If the scoring player politely hands the ball to an official, raises one hand
in the air and cries “yeah team,” that highly improbable behavior will not be
penalized.
Eligible receiver: The eligibility of an eligible receiver
has nothing whatever to do with his marital status; it has to do with being
eligible, according to the rules, to catch the football.
Nose guard: This is
not a player whose job it is to guard noses. A nose guard is a defensive player
who lines up opposite the offensive center. He is usually concerned only with
guarding his own nose.
Pooch kick: Relax SPCA members; no one is kicking a dog. A
pooch kick is a low flat trajectory kick that bounces along the ground and is
difficult to field,
Run out the clock: This doesn’t mean that someone runs onto
the field with a clock; it means that a team which is ahead makes only very
safe and time consuming plays thus leaving little time left for their opponents
to get the ball back and score.
Bootleg: A bootleg occurs when the quarterback pretends to
hand the ball off to a running back but instead keeps it himself to deceive the
defense. It has nothing to do with the repeal of prohibition.
Touchdown: If the ball crosses the plane of the goal line
that is called a touchdown and counts for six points. Whether the ball carrier
is touched or not, or touches someone else, is irrelevant. There was a time
very long ago when the ball actually had to be touched to the ground between
the goalposts.
And finally-- understand that backs are not scalable; a full
back cannot be exchanged for four quarter backs…although many coaches hope that
will change!
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