2017 Jan 2^nd

And now we have the rest of the interview with Dr Guru:

Writer: Dr Guru can you tell me what happens when water boils? You can see currents start to move around in the water, bubbles form and then steam. Can you explain please?

Dr Guru: I’d be happy to. This can get very complicated; it involves physical chemistry, but I can explain it without using any numbers at all. First of all you must understand that there are invisible homunculi in all water.

Writer: Invisible homunculi? What are they?

Dr Guru: Homunculi are little people, teensy, tiny people.

Writer: Oh, I see. Please go on.

Dr Guru: These Homunculi are coextensive with the water. Coextensive is a scientific term meaning they are everywhere the water is. Oh my, that sounds like a song title—never mind—well, to continue, as the water heats up these Homunculi, we’ll call them Homs, get more active. You see the effect of this as the water begins to circulate. It doesn’t circulate by itself, the Homs do it. As the heat is increased, the water eventually boils and steam rises. That’s because the little Homs are so agitated they fly off into the air. We call that steam. If you capture this steam and cool it, the little Homs calm down and you have ordinary water again.

Writer: And what about ice?

Dr Guru: When water reaches precisely thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit, the little Homs become so chilled they cannot move; indeed, they become rigid. When that happens, you have ice. That’s nothing more than immobilized Homs.

Writer: Dr Guru, you’re accounting for all this by the action of tiny unseeable people? That’s preposterous.

Dr Guru: Have you ever seen a tornado? No, you haven’t. You’ve only seen the dust the tornado picked up; you have never seen the tornadic wind, only the wind’s effects. This is the same thing. Don’t argue with me; I have a master’s degree in science.

Writer: Dr Guru, would you comment on a series of commonly used words and phrases?

Dr Guru: I’d be happy to do that.

Writer: Let’s start with something called a think tank.

Dr Guru: That is in the same league as army intelligence. Think tanks are usually collections of people who think alike politically—except for one or two token members of the opposition. These token members provide cover against the charge of bias. These “Institutes” are usually funded by very wealthy people who continue their funding only if the politically correct papers are forthcoming. Thinking outside the box can be lethal for the institute, so their thinking is very predictable.

Writer: Global warming.

Dr Guru: Global warming is a liberal socialist plot. Those photographs you see in magazines showing the yearly shrinking of the arctic ice cap are fakes. There are bands of Canadian and American socialist liberals who go to the arctic every year just before the fly-over and use portable blow torches to melt great quantities of ice. They then blame carbon dioxide. It’s shameful.

Writer: I never knew that….What about women?

Dr Guru: My mother was a woman, and my wife is a woman. Some of my best friends are women. I have always been opposed to women’s suffrage; women suffer enough as it is without some politician adding to their burden.

Writer: But Dr Guru…

Dr Guru: Please…Next question.

Writer: What do you think of national compulsory service?

Dr Guru: It’s a great idea…unless you have children or grandchildren who might be compelled. Any politician who votes for it is voting himself out of office. No politician will vote for any measure that benefits the country if it will lose him an election. Politicians are venal; they aren’t stupid.

Writer: What about socialized medicine?— Are you in favor of that?

Dr Guru: Of course not! Now universal health care is another story altogether.

Writer: But what’s the difference?

Dr Guru: Words are the difference; that difference keeps political parties in power.

Writer: Dr Guru why are the blooming of forsythia bushes the first sign of spring?

Dr Guru: I know nothing about forsythia. We were very poor when I was a child; consequently we never had forsythia in our yard. Father said that we had to make do with threesythia. That was a very homely plant indeed, but it was all we could afford, sorry.

Writer: Thank you Dr Guru. Would you agree to another interview?

Dr Guru: Of Course!